Yesterday, I was just pissed at my husband. Just pissed. Not for any good reason, but for all the reasons.
He wasn't paying attention to me. He wasn't listening to me. All he wanted to do was go bow hunting and duck hunting and was all worried about snowmobiles and boats and a bunch of other stupid shit I don't care about. He said one thing, then did another. I felt hurt, unseen, unheard, fucking alone.
So we threw down last night. Not really, because we've never even actually had an argument, but we went to bed, without a goodnight kiss or even a word. So I just lay there, pissed, lump in my throat, tears welling up in my eyes, angrily flopping from my back to my stomach until finally I just got up like I was getting up for the day (at 11pm, mind you).
"What's wrong?" he goes. And there's me, putting on my fucking sweatpants as if his face is at the bottom of each leg hole, mumbling something about him not giving a shit, and why would I want to lay down next to someone who wraps themselves up like a fucking lefse busse that I'm clearly not a part of. "Come here and talk to me".
So I started talking.
You don't see me.
You don't hear me.
You aren't making me a priority.
I feel so alone.
As all this bullshit started flowing out of my face, it hit me.
None of this was him. He was seeing, hearing, and noticing me, he was making me a priority, just like he always does. I WASN'T SEEING ME. I WASN'T LISTENING TO MY OWN NEEDS. I WASN'T MAKING MYSELF A PRIORITY.
This has been going on for weeks. All the garbage I was projecting onto him, was actually a reflection of myself. The things I was and wasn't doing, for myself. And I took it out on the one human I love the most.
Why do we do that? Because it's so much easier to look for something or someone outside of ourselves to put the blame on. Here, this poor dude is like, "OMG WTF is wrong with my wife? What moon phase is it right now? This bitch is crazy. I'm going hunting."
And I'm all "OMG learn how to drive! I'm cold! Are you deaf? Why don't you love me?!?"
Ok, that's a little extreme, but do you see how easy it is to get off track and verbally kick those you love in the face? It only happens when we are not tending to our own needs.
I wasn't taking my vitamins.
I wasn't working out.
I wasn't drinking enough water.
I wasn't making my needs a priority.
Well, shit rolled downhill and he got nailed with it. It had nothing to do with him, what he was or wasn't doing. I was being an asshole to myself, and therefore being an asshole to him.
So I woke up this morning, choked down my vitamins, drank half my daily water, busted out some spreadsheets for work and prayed. Hard. This was all before he got out of bed. So when he did, I was able to love him and squeeze him and smooch him, and mean it. He left for work, I drank more water, smudged, really hard, and busted out all my squats. And I breathed. Hard. And here we are.
When you're feeling like shit about a relationship or situation you're in, it's the perfect opportunity to check yourself. Chances are, it's you. Not always, but when things go South, usually there are a plethora of options we have to change the trajectory, to create a new path, to feel better. It's up to us. It's up to me. So next time, I will check myself.