Prepare yourself for explicit content, or kindly see yourself out.
Shame. A feeling of being unworthy, flawed, or unlovable. An emotion arising from failure to meet standards. Dirty feet. A scarlet letter. A fucking dunce hat. Is it all external- the thoughts, words or actions of someone else? Or is it something we generate from within as part of the human condition? Is there a standard protocol or a guide to follow in feeling like the absolute worst piece of shit on the planet? Because of what someone else said or did? Because of what we ourselves said or did? Can it be healed?? Yup.
I wouldn't call myself an expert in the shame department but yes the fuck I would. If there's one emotion that sticks out in my mind, that lit the fire under my ass to finally take control of my healing, it would be shame. Shame is such a powerful emotion, and I believe it can make or break a guy. I was so fucking close to letting it break me. Having divulged in some pretty shady, pretty shameful shit in my day, I had created an internal list of all the things I've ever been accused of, guilty of, ashamed of. A whole list of reasons I am undeserving of love, I am unworthy, and I am deeply flawed. That list translated into emotion, which translated to an internal dialogue of the most awful things you could think to say to someone. "You don't deserve to live" was something I often said to myself in the mirror.
After a few years of gaining some wisdom through coursework, books, healing sessions, podcasts, compassionate humans and God herself, I realized that part of my purpose is to turn that shit into love. Though I am deeply flawed, I've discovered that I am worthy and I am lovable. AF. As Divinity would have it, over the past couple weeks I've been given a repeating message, in many different ways: "Your hardest lessons are your gift to the world". So it is.
Another Divine message that's been punching me in the third eye, is EVERYTHING starts with a thought. Everything. Anything. That thought then triggers an emotion. A feeling, in our hearts and our bodies. That feeling then takes over, and we are brought to a place of either love, light and lasagna or a shitcicle samwich. In my personal experience, one must first trudge through the shit to eat the lasagna. Meaning, the emotions we manifest must actually be felt in order to transform them into healing. Gross, I know. I'll get to that in a second.
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So first, we have this thought. I'll use myself as an example. "Wow, Jenna. You're a big ol' hussie and destroy lives and hearts and you deserve to die." I realize that escalated quickly. But this is REAL. Actual thoughts that have manifested in my brain, sometimes in even fewer, more hurtful words.
As my body begins to feel these thoughts and turn them into actual emotions, it tries to hang on to them to justify to my brain that YES, ABSOLUTELY I'm a whore and should be dead, and repeat that thought over and over, creating a toxic cycle or pattern in my mind. Then I manifest a physical imbalance in my sacral chakra (such as painful periods, miscarriage or cancer) and if I don't figure out a way to transform that energy and heal, I actually die. Or, a part of me does.
By the way, we typically hold shame in our sacral or swimsuit area, the physical part of our bodies where our reproductive organs reside. This energy center is our domain for life force energy, emotions and our creative capacity.
Where the hell do these thoughts come from? For me, it's been a mix of both internal thoughts and external judgement and criticism. And deep connection with my intuition. I have a knack for feeling what people are thinking. It's a blessing. Usually. I've been called a whore more than once by more than one, right to my face, in an email, and behind my back. And I've been called worse things. By people I love, by people I don't, and people I've never even had a conversation with, but not before I began internally bashing myself for giving my heart or my body to someone or something I didn't align with. Repeatedly. I've never heard harsher words than some of the things I used to say to myself. It became an emotional defense mechanism, and I began to feel like if I kept myself hurting and in a shameful state, none of these turds running their mouths could hurt me. But it only hurt worse. And MY GOD, did I feel it. I realized quickly that whatever anyone else had to say about me wasn't shit compared to the awful things I was telling myself, about myself. Thank God. Because for me, this realization helped me understand that NO ONE outside of me, my heart, my mind, my body, has a fucking say as to what goes on in here. It was a hard way to learn it, but Mom always said, "there's the easy way, and there's the Hart way."
Obviously I know this isn't a typical healing avenue or what I "should" have done according to people who write books about this shit, but the tough love from my personal medicine cabinet has ALWAYS propelled me into healing. Every time. I'm pretty sure I got it from my dad. The Hart Way.
This energy, I'll call it personal power, started changing my internal landscape. Not only did it help me realize that nothing ANYONE says or thinks or feels about me matters, it helped me realize that what I say or think or feel about me really does fucking matter. There's no going back from that. It was at that point, my internal dialogue began to shift. I started saying loving things to myself in the mirror, even if I didn't believe them at first.
As far as trudging through the shit to get the lasagna at the end of the rainbow, these gross emotions actually still needed to be felt in order for me to begin releasing them. It took being balled up on the bathroom floor in the fetal position scream-crying to my Creator to take it all away. I felt a bolt of heavenly white lightning penetrate my entire being, and a miraculous shift occurred within me, right then and there. I had felt it to the point it turned me inside out and exposed my entire heart, mind, soul, body and spirit to the energy in which I was created, Love. A miracle. The first of many. Or, the first one I was present enough to embrace. And in that moment, I healed.
There isn't an incorrect way to let an emotion out of your body, as long as it causes no harm, internally or externally. Scream. Cry. Make other weird noises. Puke. Shit. Write about it. Rip out the pages and light it on fire. What works for me may not work for you, but I've found absolute success in each of the above for transforming, transmuting and releasing energy. YOU'VE GOT TO LET IT OUT OF YOUR BODY. Somehow. Some way. Or eventually, it will kill you. A harsh reality, but it's my belief we make our own bed. Thought turns into emotion turns into action. Either we take that action or we let it take us.
For a while, I let it take me. And what I've come to realize, is in finally letting it out in the ugliest, most organic, most visceral way I knew how, was the ONLY way to get to where I'm going. The jumping-off point. The gateway. Without the self-awareness of my actions, the harm I had done to myself and to others, I would never have wound up on my bathroom floor, begging for mercy and grace. So then of course, I would've never been able to forgive myself, extend love and apologies to those I'd hurt, and let go of the shit I'd pulled in the past to become the best version of myself every fucking chance I get in the present.
As far as shame directed at me from others, it's simply judgement. Anything anyone is judging me for, past or present, is nothing more than a reflection of what they refuse to heal in themselves. They'll become aware of it when they are ready. Godspeed, turds. I say this to let you know that just because someone refuses to accept an apology or extend love to you doesn't make you unworthy or unlovable. I mean, I'm not here to get up in your business, but why in the fuck would you want love and acceptance from a turd? Why would I? This perspective makes it a lot easier to move along the healing path, letting go of trying to control how others perceive you. If you truly want to heal, you've got to release giving a FUCK about what other people think.
Shame has many layers and can come from many different experiences, and though mine may be different from yours, know that you are an imperfect Divine being, you are worthy and you are loveable. Shame cannot live where Love does. Being imperfect or flawed is what makes us human. Being willing to shift shitty thoughts, words and actions into loving ones is what makes us Divine. That's God's will, far as I can tell.
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