It's been a moment. A hot one. My last blog post was the beginning of June, and before that, I'm not even sure. I ain't dead or sick and there's nothing wrong, it's just been one hell of a season for me.
It was January of this year that my mother was diagnosed with cancer in her kidney. She was not interested in seeking conventional treatment, so she chose to work with a natural doctor from Texas and my very good friend and soul sister, Dawn from Holistic Works LLC to address the cancer as well as her digestive issues.
From January through September, as she fought, I made more time to call her, to show up and spend time with her, to check up on her. I've always done that because we've always been so close, but in my heart and all the way to my bones, I knew I was preparing to let my sweet Barbara Jean go to rest. But I was also in deep denial. Spring flew by and Summer went even faster. On the 24th of July I had to let my pup and very good best friend of 12 years, Lucy go cross that rainbow bridge. I was devastated. What a love. I never knew I could love someone so much. Being that she was on doggy hospice for the past 3 years, I had no idea what to do with all my extra time, so I put all my energy into preparing to turn 40. I was giving up my lease downtown and moving the business home and turning it into a relaxing river healing retreat. Come check it out if you're not busy. Anyway, I hosted an open house on my 40th birthday on the 22nd of August. It was magical. It was everything. If you came and shared the day with me, THANK YOU. And then, a few days later, I moved back in with my parents.
Not permanently of course, but mom's condition was worsening with breathing issues and severe pain and dad needed help caring for her. I spent the next two and a half weeks praying, cleaning, reminiscing, crying, cooking, singing, praying, gardening, helping, playing, breathing, and praying.
She died on Wednesday morning, September 11th. And on some days, it feels like she took my whole heart with her.
From the minute I was conceived, that woman and I shared a bond that only God could explain. I love her basically more than anyone or anything on this planet. Yes my mom, but also my best friend, confidant, cheerleader, teacher, supporter, nourisher, she was my every every everything. And then she wasn't.
Devastated doesn't even come close to describing the feeling of being emotionally gutted from the biggest heartbreak of all time. Grief is a finicky bitch, especially when it's grieving the death of one of your greatest loves of all time. Here's what I know: absolutely nothing. Just kidding, but I do know that I have no idea how to grieve, and neither does anyone else. You just do it. However it looks. For the first week, I was numb. I don't even remember it. I just did everything I had to do. Since then, it's been the most jagged, full of surprise twist-and-turns emotional roller coaster I've ever been on. One minute, I'm overwhelmed with deep gratitude and appreciation that I got to love her, and I got to have her as my mom, and I got to share her heart and her wisdom and her looks. Then the next minute, I'm on the fetal position on the Walmart floor in the acrylic paint aisle, scream-crying. Then the next minute, I'm in awe of how blessed I am to have a passion for creativity, just like her. Then the next minute, I spend 10 minutes mouth-breathing, staring at the wall, not knowing wtf I should do next.
I've heard that it never gets better, just different. And I fully believe that. Every single day since she's been gone, I forget that she's gone. And then I do something awesome and think "I should call mom quick and tell her...". That's probably the hardest part. I shit you not, it happens at least once a day. But here's the cool part. She didn't go anywhere. She is still fully here, right next to me, but just one meat suit shy of being human. She speaks to me often, and leaves me inklings and knowings throughout each day.
A huge part of me was beating myself up for not being ready to help people again, for not being past a certain stage of my grief, for not being able to fully show up for others. I've been spending my days helping my brother's family and figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. One of the repeating messages I keep getting from sweet Barbara Jean is "FLY". As in-GO. DO ALL THE THINGS YOU WERE PUT HERE TO DO. I'm currently looking for the balance between helping others and myself, but I'm feeling ready to offer sessions again.
After another amazing reiki session with Dawn a couple weeks ago, she said that my head keeps telling me I'm not ready to help people, but my heart KNOWS that helping people is what helps my heart. And it's always been so. It's something I got from my mom.
Distance healing sessions are my favorite. Because you don't have to physically be here in order for deep healing to take place. I do the session just as if you were here on my treatment table, but you relax in the comfort of your own home while the session takes place. Think of it as a giant prayer on steroids, but you get photos, a synopsis and guidance for moving forward. It's the golden nugget of all healing sessions in my personal opinion. You can click here to book.
I've also opened up my schedule to in-person healing sessions, where you can come and spend a couple hours changing your whole ass life with energy healing, chakra purging, burning some shit or siphoning all the yuck out of your body with an ionic foot soak. Or all of the above. Just take a look at the services page.
This story isn't over. I'm still going to do a deep dive into my experience this year through my podcast, just because it's all too much to write. I'll likely start in the next few days, and my first episode will be all the ooey-gooey details of what life has been like since August and losing my mom. Actually, it'll probably be a mini series of several episodes pertaining to mom. Wait. What am i talking about? Every single episode I've ever recorded is basically about my mom. If you listen to it, you already know that. Anyway, I'll be interviewing Dawn for at least one Barbara Jean episode, as well as Lynz, so we can talk about grief and life and love and loss and everything in between. If you want to come along with me on this ride, awesome. If not, also awesome. Losing my mother's physical presence has really changed and opened my perception on every aspect of life, and it's cracked my heart wide open as well. I'm ready to fly. If you are too, you're welcome to join me.
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