Ok, it's also you. But the level of self-awareness I've evolved to helps me to realize that it's not always JUST the other person. I'm talking about when I'm pissed off, sad, frustrated, angry, irritated, or feeling any other low-frequency vibe. Most of the time, I can analyze and pinpoint in myself, how I might actually be the one with the problem. Now, that doesn't mean the bullshit they have is cancelled out, it just means that maybe if I see the same type of bullshit coming from me, I might have some compassion for them when we finally throw down about the issue at hand, and come to an actual understanding rather than secret animosity toward each other for the rest of our miserable lives. I'll give you a couple real-life examples.
Road rage. I could give you a million stories during my time traveling for work about how I lost my shit daily on the US roadways. Rage doesn't even cover the range of shitty emotions I was capable of feeling in a 20 minute commute, and I'm still working on being a little more zen behind the wheel these days. But I'd often find myself mad at everyone else on that same commute. Driving way to fast, riding my ass, or trying to PASS ME ON THE RIGHT?? When you can clearly see you're going to have to slam on your breaks when you get to that semi two car lengths in front of you because there's not enough room to cut me off you piece of human shit?!?!? HAHAHAHA, GOOD FOR YOU. Then I slam into the back of a Volkswagen. Ok that didn't actually happen, but it could. It's called instant karma, friends. And it's really really real. I'm happy to say I never actually had something major happen instantly when I'm also being the turd, but there have been signs. Anyway my point here is that another person driving erratically, fast, inattentively is always an asshole. And the person Sunday-driving, dilly-dallying or doing 10 under the speed limit is always an idiot. And I'm the only guy on the road that knows how to fucking drive. That was my mentality in those days, and maybe it served as a type of protection, as I often traveled long distances alone. I thought if I'm a bitch, no one will fuck with me. For the most part, they didn't. After getting my shit together and beginning to move toward healing, I realized something. Every time I rage on the road, I'm either the asshole, or the idiot. Not only that, I have no idea what the other assholes and idiots are going through in their own lives right at this moment; maybe they're in labor, or they're trying to get to the hospital before their loved one passes, or maybe they just lost their mother, or were diagnosed with a terminal disease. At any rate, in the midst of rage on the road is a good time to look in the mirror and ask yourself how you might be either of the two turds, because you probably are. It'll help you work your compassion muscle.
Here's a juicy fresh one. And the inspiration for this post. My husband and I got into it the other night. Mind you, we've been together for almost 12 years, and in total, have had 5 arguments. 3 of which have been in the past 2 months. So yeah, this is real fresh. And weird, because we get along and compliment each others energy so well, all the time. But the past couple months have been interesting. I can tell you that the culprit of both of our energy is elevated stress in different aspects of our lives. He's frustrated at work, he's in the midst of giving our boat a complete overhaul among countless other home projects, we just had a kid graduate, and communication in the family unit, lets just say, SUCKS. I'm dealing with my geriatric dog's full time hospice care, in the middle of expanding my business and moving my practice from Eau Claire to my river home, helping take care of Grampa and hoping my truck doesn't explode before I blow the doors off my dad's previous 360,000 mile record. (I did by the way.)
We've both been extremely consumed by the shit we need to get done. Meanwhile, I'm finding that I have to constantly repeat myself, about what I'm doing, my schedule, kids games, like, he forgets. He's preoccupied with what he's got going on, so he's less cuddly. He's not excited to see me when he gets home. He asks how my day was, I say "good" then immediately goes into a whole hour vent session about how shitty his day was. And then talks for another hour about building powerlines and shit I have no idea about. So I tune out. He's trying to be a better dad all the time, and sometimes forgets me, to keep me in the loop of what's going on or what plans are. In conversation with other people, he'll move and stand directly in front of me, so I'm staring straight at his back. Of course, he doesn't even realize he's doing it. So I say something. Please be mindful of that. And then a month later, I have to say it again. And then again. So, this is basically what our recent quarrel was about. And I let him know all the ways he was fucking up. Then when the conversation gets emotional, he constantly interrupts me, talks over me, and demands I see it his way. Well. Looky what we have here. I married my fucking dad.
Now, before you start hating on Sugardick for being a turd husband, you must also understand that I too, have been a total turd. I just didn't realize it. Which is funny, because I'm over here like "oh em gee, I'm soooo good at self-awareness, basically a professional, should have a plaque on my wall about it..." But he was there to let me know, he feels like I don't listen to him. He has to repeat himself constantly. He feels like I'm distant and less cuddly and never happy to see him. He has to tune me out when I'm rambling on about shit he doesn't care about. He feels like I'm preoccupied with all the other stuff going on in my life, and that I don't have time for him. He feels like he's on the back burner. I interrupt or I talk over him when I'm trying to make a point or when I KNOW THAT I'M RIGHT. Well. Looky what we have here. I am my dad. Ok, just to be clear, only the last part is dad-esque. When I know that I'm right, dammit, that is totally my dad coming out of my face.
Everything I was upset with him for, was everything I was doing myself, also. And I didn't even realize it. We were feeling the exact same toward each other, and had no idea how to communicate it to each other in a loving way, because we're both being turds, shaming and blaming the other. Pew. Not only that, my mom always says "it's who you hang with" and when the dude you hang out with most is being a turd, you probably are too.
I was so blinded and overwhelmed, consumed with the emotions I was refusing to let go of (I like to bottle shit up for a long time and let it fester-just ask Barb), that I couldn't see what type of energy I was bringing to our relationship. I didn't notice that I was doing ALL the things I was mad as fuck at him for doing, or not doing.
And then I held up a mirror, after actually listening to him.
Gross.
BUT. This awareness is shining a new, loving, compassionate light on our relationship, where I find myself trying to be a little more gentle. I want to actually listen to him, what he's saying and wait to respond until he's finished talking. I'm trying to offer him a little more grace when I'm cleaning up after him. And just have compassion for him because he's just a dude, and emotions are hard for him. No offense. But in my experience, very few dudes are cool with expressing vulnerable emotions. The ones that do, are helping make this world a more loving place, so thank you. But if I try, maybe he will too. Because if we are who we hang with, and I'm being loving, compassionate, attentive, he will be too. It's science. JK it's God.
I'm sharing this with you because Love, sometimes YOU are the turd. And that's ok. As long as you can come to a point where you realize it, you'll finally be able to heal the shit that agitates you. I can say with 100% confidence, as it's been proven to me over and over again, the shit that upsets us is the shit that we refuse to heal in ourselves. When we judge another person for their ethnicity, their sexual orientation, their appearance, their actions, their ANYTHING, it's because that part of us isn't healed. And it's no one's responsibility but our own to heal it. This is going a little deeper than I first intended, but since we're on the topic, I'm just going to roll with it.
If you have a problem with someone because of their skin color, you've been indoctrinated and conditioned to believe that they are bad because of it. Your shitty ancestors passed that vibe down. Or you were taught that shit somewhere, and just so you know, you're wrong. Not up for argument, so move on.
If you have a problem with homosexuals, you hold a deep wound within yourself that's gay as fuck, and unaccepting of it. You're unaccepting of your own sexuality in one way or another. This is also not up for argument. Go heal that shit.
If you have a problem with someone being themselves, that's a YOU problem, I promise. If there's no harm being done, what is the actual problem? You are.
Ok sorry I yelled, but this shit is for real. If you want to see the world heal, or at the very least, become a better place in your lifetime, you better get to fucking work on yourself. That's the only way you'll ever see it happen. If we want to see the world change, we must first change ourselves. We have to shine the light on our dark parts, hold up the mirror of reflection when we find ourselves feeling anything but love. That's how we get through this. Now, go be loving. Go be compassionate. Go be self-aware. Go be a good listener. Hold up that mirror and go love yourself.
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